The Confession

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Penitent: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  It has been—God, I can’t remember—years and years since my last confession.

Confessor: What do you mean by saying you’ve sinned.

Penitent: I have missed Mass by now thousands of times.

Confessor: You’ve missed the mark, but you’re always welcome back. This Sunday the liturgy will include a Buddhist meditation and healing circle.

Penitent:  I have given in to the sin of anger more times than I can count.

Confessor: Have you considered that you might be gluten intolerant?

Penitent: What?

Confessor: Gluten intolerance can cause anxiety that can manifest itself in angry outbursts. You should read Wheat Belly.  I can lend you a copy this Sunday.

Penitent: I was very disrespectful to my parents when they were still alive. I don’t know exactly how many times.

Confessor: Go to oprah.com and look up Deepak Chopra on toxic relationships.

Penitent: I have so many other sins, Father. I have been a terrible person.

Confessor: At night just before you go to sleep, I want you to say the following the little prayer: “Every day in every way I am getting better and better.” Now go in peace, and I will see you at the healing circle on Sunday.

Penitent: What about my penance?

Confessor: Stop berating yourself. Have positive thoughts.

Penitent: But aren’t you going to give me absolution?

Confessor: Okay, I absolve you.

Penitent: But I need to hear it in Latin.

Confessor: Sorry, I don’t know Latin.

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