Penitent: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been—God, I can’t remember—years and years since my last confession.
Confessor: What do you mean by saying you’ve sinned.
Penitent: I have missed Mass by now thousands of times.
Confessor: You’ve missed the mark, but you’re always welcome back. This Sunday the liturgy will include a Buddhist meditation and healing circle.
Penitent: I have given in to the sin of anger more times than I can count.
Confessor: Have you considered that you might be gluten intolerant?
Confessor: Gluten intolerance can cause anxiety that can manifest itself in angry outbursts. You should read Wheat Belly. I can lend you a copy this Sunday.
Penitent: I was very disrespectful to my parents when they were still alive. I don’t know exactly how many times.
Confessor: Go to oprah.com and look up Deepak Chopra on toxic relationships.
Penitent: I have so many other sins, Father. I have been a terrible person.
Confessor: At night just before you go to sleep, I want you to say the following the little prayer: “Every day in every way I am getting better and better.” Now go in peace, and I will see you at the healing circle on Sunday.
Penitent: What about my penance?
Confessor: Stop berating yourself. Have positive thoughts.
Penitent: But aren’t you going to give me absolution?
Confessor: Okay, I absolve you.
Penitent: But I need to hear it in Latin.
Confessor: Sorry, I don’t know Latin.