No Harm Spilt

Political commentators, and not all of them on the left, are starting to worry that Donald Trump represents a turn to fascism in America. But American fascists themselves aren’t so happy with the prospect of a Trump presidency.

Many American fascists lament their luck in finally seeing the country on the brink of turning to fascism but lacking a leader with the fitness level and fashion sense to take the helm. According to a prominent American fascist who prefers to remain anonymous, “The Leader has to embody the three Fs of fascism: Fashion, Fitness, and a Fuck-it Attitude. Trump does fine on the Fuck-it Attitude, especially when it comes to fact checking, but he’s a terrible dresser, and he’s fat.”

“Oh, sure he talks the talk, but he waddles the walk, and the man has absolutely no fashion sense.  Mussolini was a snappy dresser both in and out of uniform, and he wouldn’t have been caught dead in a stupid baseball cap. Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniform, for heaven’s sake. Lots of black leather. No real Führer walks around in a baggy fabric suit. We fascists applaud Trump’s white pride and machismo, but we can’t have a leader who doesn’t dress like a Leader. And then there’s that ridiculous comb-over, Any self-respecting fascist barber would kill a man before he would let him walk out of his shop looking like that.”

“Fascists are supposed to have a lean and hungry look. Trump is a fat slob who looks like he’s about to have a stroke. His gut hangs over his belt. We Fascists want a leader who isn’t afraid to take his shirt off in public, like Vladimir Putin. We’re going to sit this one out.”