At presidential press conferences, it’s the role of the media to ask questions about important policy matters or now about the possibility that Russia has infiltrated our government at the highest levels and is calling the shots. But sometimes, wouldn’t it be nice to hear reporters ask some questions on behalf of the many Americans who don’t care about policy and aren’t worried about the survival of our democracy, but do think President Trump is a little weird? Here are some questions I would love to see asked at Trump’s next presidential press conference.
Mr. President, how is it possible for you to look in the mirror every morning and think that hair style looks good? Do you own a mirror, sir? And a follow up: With all you money, why don’t you have your hair professionally dyed?
Do you have a skin condition that causes your face to have an orange tint?
Can you say anything remotely negative about Vladimir Putin?
Have you ever considered having journalists murdered?
Do you know the difference between truth and fiction? Can you give examples?
Do you really think John McCain was not a war hero because he was captured?
When you call the press the enemy of the people, do you have any idea what the phrase “enemy of the people” calls to mind for anybody with more than a high school education?
Are you planning to launch an investigation into the involvement of Senator Ted Cruz’s father in the JFK assassination?
Are you planning to launch an investigation into the millions of illegal votes you claim were cast in the election?
Were you surprised to learn that your Electoral College win was not even close to the largest since Reagan’s, or do you still believe it was?
Why do you have better body language with your daughter Ivanka than with your wife Melania?
Was Ivanka pleased when you agreed with Howard Stern on his radio show that she is a “piece of ass”?
Have you considered going on a diet or not appearing in white golf slacks?
Have you ever in your life admitted a mistake or taken responsibility for anything? An example?
Do you really think Merrill Streep is overrated?
No Harm Spilt 
Perfect. I d love to hear those question asked too. I’d also ask: Have you ever considered committing yourself to a mental institution? What does it feel like to have thousands of people around the world laughing at you? When you do that little gesture with your thumb and forefinger are you saying something about the size of something?
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Trump would never answer questions like these. He’d pass the job to his spokespeople and surrogates:
Sean Spicer: I’ve already answered that question.
Kellyanne Conway: Donald Trump won the election by the biggest margin in history and nobody is interested in those questions.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: We don’t have all the answers to that question. That’s why Congress needs to investigate Barack Obama’s close ties to Al Qaeda – so we can get the facts.
Mike Pence: The President has assure me, and I can assure the American people, that none of this is true.
Jeffrey Lord: The Democrats were responsible for slavery.
Jeff Sessions (or is it Forrest Gump? Or Kate McKinnon?): Life is like a box of chocolates. There might be Russians in there but I never talked to any of them.
Paul Ryan: Can someone please just shoot me.
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