Harper is Finished, or Tempest in a Coffee Cup



Many of us are looking for any sign that maybe Harper’s Conservatives are finished. I think I’ve found the definitive sign that the Stephen Harper regime will soon be history. I refer to this headline in the Toronto Star:

Conservative who reportedly urinated into coffee cup ‘deeply regrets’ actions

The Conservative in question isn’t just any Conservative; he’s the Conservative candidate in the east Toronto riding of Scarborough Rouge Park. And his urinating into a coffee cup isn’t just hearsay—the act was caught on video.

The only thing I can think of that would do more damage to a political campaign than the candidate going wee-wee in a coffee cup is maybe the candidate going kaka on a pie plate.

Okay, you say, Harper himself didn’t piss in the coffee cup; the Conservative candidate Jerry Bance did. According to CBC, Bance runs an appliance repair company.  The CBC show Marketplace had set up the hidden cameras in 2012 as part of an investigative report on home repair companies. Bance was caught on video urinating into a coffee cup,  pouring the urine down the sink, and rinsing out the cup, while the homeowner was in the next room. So why blame Harper?

Remember the sex scandals in the Catholic Church? The Pope himself wasn’t seducing altar boys—as far as we know– but the buck stopped with the Pope. Same thing here. When it comes to a Conservative candidate taking a whiz in a coffee cup, the buck stops with the Conservative leader.  And the very act raises the same troubling questions the sex scandal in the church raised. How widespread is the problem? Have Harper and his underlings been covering this up? Have they been moving offending candidates around to different ridings in an attempt to hide a tsunami of pissing into coffee cups?

The trouble for Harper and the Conservatives is that coffee is by far the most popular beverage in Canada. In the U.S, it’s Coke, but we Canadians love our coffee almost as much as we love our children. Actually, in the U.S. the most popular beverage is Coke drunk from the barrel of a gun. For a Canadian, the idea of urinating into a coffee cup is as disgusting as the idea of vomiting into a gun holster would be for an American.

Then there’s this Mike Duffy business. As the two stories develop in tandem, it’s going to be very hard for average Canadians not to imagine Mike Duffy relieving himself into a coffee mug every time they see Harper get up to speak. You see Harper’s face, and you see Mike Duffy opening his fly. Politics is all about image and associations. Ask Anthony Weiner.

By all accounts the Harper campaign is in damage control mode. For obvious reasons, lemonade and beer are out at all campaign functions, as is any beverage served in a cup. Both NDP leader Tom Mulcair and Liberal leader Justin Trudeau are urging all Canadians who have Conservative friends to wash their coffee cups thoroughly. Green Party leader Elizabeth May has pointed out that urine is organic.

2 thoughts on “Harper is Finished, or Tempest in a Coffee Cup

  1. Thanks for this hilarious take on yet another mess in the Harper camp latrine. I guess we are lucky it was only a coffee cup investors loved, I shudder to think of the possibilities raised by another kind of cup, the kind athletes use… Perhaps Harper feels he should have had one of those on when Jerry B kicked him where it hurts!


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