No Harm Spilt

Here are twenty grammar and language resolutions you might want to consider for 2016:

1. I resolve to learn the difference between “lay” and “lie” or avoid using them: “The cat is not standing up on the couch.”
2. I resolve to use “lay” and “lie” interchangeably with abandon.
3. I resolve to start using the object pronoun “me” when it’s appropriate even if I think it sounds wrong: “The Grand Jury indicted the vice president and me (not I) for fraud.”
4. I resolve to give up the myth that sentences can’t begin with “and” or “but.”
5. I resolve to use “impact” as a synonym for “affect” only in truly dramatic contexts: “Itchy eyebrows affect (not impact) my concentration.”
6. I resolve to revive and use at least one solid, ordinary word in place of an elegant alternative: “Uncle Charlie will be in prison (not a correctional facility) this New Year’s Eve.”
7. I resolve to stop saying “I feel badly” and feel smugly superior to those who do: “I feel bad (not badly) about Uncle Charlie.”
8. I resolve to learn once and for all how to use apostrophes or make a large contribution to The Apostrophe Protection Society (http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/).
9. I resolve to strive for conciseness and clarity in writing: “If (not In the event that) you can’t (not you do not find yourself in a position to) stop (not cease and desist) drinking (not imbibing alcoholic beverages), I will file for (not commence legal proceedings toward) divorce (not a termination of our marriage).
10. I resolve to pretend that I don’t understand what “interface” means.
11. I resolve to stop making a fuss about the “10 items or Less” sign at the supermarket.
12. I resolve to stop using the expression “I have issues with” and just say what I mean: “I loathe (not have issues with) your mother’s cat.”
13. I resolve to break off all relations with anyone, even one of my children, who consistently uses “awesome” to describe things that aren’t actually awesome.
14. I resolve that when somebody thanks me, I will say, “You’re welcome,” not “Thank you!”
15. I resolve to use “eh?” as a tag question only when speaking to Americans: “So, you may elect a fascist this year, eh?”
16. I resolve (unless I move to the UK) to put periods inside final quotation marks.
17. I resolve to avoid potentially offensive misplaced and dangling modifiers: “Being no longer of any use to anybody, Grandma decided to throw out my late Uncle Stanley’s pipe collection.”
18. I resolve to stop using the hyphenated “thank-you” except as an adjective: “Thank you (not Thank-you) for the thank-you note.”
19. I resolve to use the wordy expression “at the end of the day” only literally: “At the end of the day, I’m going home.”
20. I resolve to use happy faces only in emails I send to small children.