No Harm Spilt

Donald Trump’s new book Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again is becoming a nightmare for publisher Threshold Editions, a division of Simon and Schuster. Apparently buyers of the book have complained that it’s “all words.” Trump is reportedly livid with his editor for not seeing that there were way too many words, many of them big, and for not thinking to include pictures. “I try to surround myself with intelligent people, but sometimes they don’t measure up,” said the presumptive Republican presidential nominee.

The publisher is taking measures to deal with the crisis. All copies of the book now include free lip balm, and those who have already bought the book can get their lip balm sent to them via Fedex by just calling a 1-800 number. The publisher is also including a sticker on the back of each book with the following large-print notice: “YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE BOOK.” Trump has said that he will produce a video that gets the same message across in short sentences read by a Hollywood actor. Those who want the book for coffee table display will get a DVD of the video free of charge, and they don’t have to return the lip balm.

A spokesperson for Simon and Schuster said the headaches the book has caused are more than offset by the large number of non-readers Trump has brought into the book buying public. “Sure,” she said, “these new book buyers aren’t natural readers and are frankly stunned to discover that they have just bought 193 pages filled with nothing but words. Their sore, chapped lips are testimony to their valiant efforts to actually read the book. We will deal with this.”

At a book signing event held in the book section of a Walmart in Dallas, Mr. Trump said, “Read what you can. Use the lip balm. Get the video. People who read long, boring books are losers who ruin their eyes. You know who promotes big books with more than about 193 pages? Optometrists! They’re ripping us off, and most of the reading glasses they sell are made in China! Buy my book, read what you can of it, and make America great again!”