No Harm Spilt

An Interview with Donald Trump

NHS: Mr. Trump, what do you say to charges that your candidacy is killing the Republican Party?

DT: My candidacy is definitely not killing the party, but I am using enhanced campaigning techniques.

NHS: Does that mean you’re torturing the party?

DT: If Lying Ted Cruz doesn’t drop out soon, I’m going to go way beyond enhanced campaigning techniques. Torture works. Ask little Marco.

NHS: Exactly what do enhanced campaigning techniques involve?

DT: Mostly they involve surprise, and we’ve had amazing results. I have enormous leads in all the polls. It’s beautiful.

NHS: What sort of surprise?

DT: Well, one big surprise is how the Republican base eats up insults to ugly females and other nasty stuff. It makes the establishment squirm, but the base loves it. Look at that face? Who could vote for that face? Remember that? Where is that ugly face now? I can’t wait to run against Hilary.

NHS: But isn’t the establishment worried that you will lose the women’s vote?

DT: Of course it is, but women love me! So do Spicks—I mean Hispanics—and blacks. And I have Muslim friends, and they tell me I’m right to call for a ban on Muslims. Muslims love me.

NHS: So what do you have against the establishment?

DT: The establishment is made up of a bunch of politicians who have never made a deal. The establishment is clueless. I’m making a deal with the American voters. Here’s the deal: I say what they’re thinking, and they do what I say. I say get out and vote for me, and they’re doing it in droves. It’s amazing. It’s beautiful.

NHS: But that’s not what the establishment wants?

DT: They wanted low-energy Jeb or little Marco. But they’ve got me.

NHS: Thank you, Mr. Trump.