The War on Christmas

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It’s as though the city is under siege. We have seen more than one would-be Xmas tree vendor hauled of in handcuffs. Happy Holiday goons forced a local store to take down a window display that slightly resembled a manger.

Traditional Christmas drinks like eggnog are banned for the month of December, but our neighbors told us they are secretly making mulled wine in their basement. They invited us to come over, but my wife thinks it might be a trap.  Informers are everywhere. Police are making random searches of homes. Friends of ours were fined for having green and red food coloring. The cop who found the food coloring said, “Planning on to make Christmas cookies, are we?” Our friends claimed they wanted to make winter solstice cookies, but the cops didn’t buy it.

Left-wing secular humanists gather to sing carols, but mostly they lip sync a recording of Bing Crosby singing “Happy Holiday.” An appeal to the military authorities to allow songs such as “Frosty the Snowman” and “Jingle Bells,” which make no reference to Jesus, was denied.

All the streets have festive lights, but there is a ban on displays of green and red lights together.

Toy stores are stocked with Richard Dawkins dolls and Christopher Hitchens “God is Not Great” coloring books.

Obese men (men weighing more than 250 lbs) are forbidden to have white beards, wear red clothes, or be seen with more than one small child, and that child must never be sitting on the fat man’s lap.

There are scattered acts of resistance. Some store clerks sing out the greeting “Happy holidays” with the melody to the words “jingle all the way.” Even if someone reports them, it’s a hard charge to prove, but rumors have spread that the Happy Holiday goons are carrying voice-activated tape recorders.

Once President Trump is in office, we will be celebrating June 14, his birthday, and Christmas won’t be an issue anymore. Thank God. Oops.


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